When I Met You My Heart Sighed
by disasterologie
Summary: One Shot (possibly a sequel to follow)- Nate finally knows what he wants, or rather, who he wants but he's more lost than ever.


**A/N: So this piece is a little choppier than my usual material (not that most of it is uploaded) but I allowed it because: a) when I write I let the characters speak to me- this is what he was saying & b) this is a look into Nate's mind, which in this is a jumbled and distraught mess. This is purely a product of an exciting Saturday night on fanfiction at two in the morning. (oh, and part of Nate's speech to Jenny is taken from a quote, though i did modify it) Enjoy (:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or any characters used in this story, if I did Nate and Jenny would've been together since season 2**

He isn't sure who pulls Dan off him. Maybe it's Serena, or Blair, or Chuck. He knows even they hold a grudge against him. He knows Eric sure as hell didn't help him, because lately Dan and Eric have formed the 'Mourning Brothers' club, excluding Chuck. They think Chuck didn't care about her but he did. He does. Nate's actually disappointed when whoever it was rescued him from Dan. He didn't deserve to be rescued. She did. And no one saved her. _I did this_. He hates himself and he hates them. Because not one of them helped her.

He knows he's the worst of them all, after all it was he who damaged her, who took her feelings and played with them, who took her heart and broke it. It was he who she was trying to reach out to when things went wrong and he let her go down that path of self-destruction.

He hates life. He really does. He's going insane and he knows it. _Like she must of known it_. And he sort of understands he decision now, because that's what he wants too. He's screaming on this inside, and maybe the outside too. He can't really tell because his senses are clouded and all he can hear is the ringing in his ears and all he can taste is something metallic.

He's thrown into a flood of memories by the adjective. Because she liked the band Metallica, and one of her favorite shirts was one with Metallica written on it. And one upon a time she used to fall asleep in his bed wearing it and he'd watch her sleep for hours.

He doesn't know how this happened. But he kinda does. They should've seen the signs earlier, should've brought her home sooner, should've gotten her a therapist. (He knows Chuck would've gotten her the best money could offer and maybe she'd still be here.)

And God, all he can think of is walking into her goddamned room and finding her. He kept shaking her. _Please wake up, Jenny, please._ And he cried into her hair hysterically. _Jenny, please. Please._ And no matter how many times he begged (for much longer than any sane person would've) she wouldn't come back. Come back to him. And he buries his face in her still soft hair and hugs her still beautiful body. Because he needs her. _I need you. _All he can do is cry now because she's gone and far away by now. Far away from him. And what will he do without her? Because without her he doesn't know how to live.

When the shock wore off and the truth fully hit him he's panicked. Because what does he do with the body of the girl he loved? The girl he still loves. He doesn't have to make that decision because he hears Serena stop in the middle of asking what's taking so long, because the family's going to dinner and they'll miss their reservations. He doesn't see her take in the scene but he knows she does. He doesn't need to see her horrified expression to know it's there (because she's the girl he loves right? Except the girl he loves is lying in his arms, but she's not with him.) He hears her back away and hears her cries but they barely register. He vaguely hears her family ask what's wrong before Dan comes rushing in- always to her rescue (but why didn't he rescue her from this?). And now he fits in- everyone's crying now.

He doesn't remember Serena calling Blair and telling her between sobs they weren't meeting her at the restaurant and to cancel the reservation._ You need to get here right now. _He doesn't remember Dan dropping to his knees next to the bed, or Eric begging Jenny the same things he did. He doesn't remember Rufus and Lily's reactions (because that was his little girl)(and she was like a daughter to her) He doesn't remember Chuck standing in the doorway staring. Just staring. Trying to stop the tears that were clouding his vision (because he actually gave a damn about her. Actually considered her his baby sister after everything even if that's perversely ironic).

He does remember going to hold her hand. Finding her wrists, the sources of the blood he had been too distraught to notice, would be forever etched in his memory. Every little detail. The two thick, intentionally deep cuts that were the ugliest sights he'd ever seen. (he hates the color red now.) He noticed the scars around them, there were so many. _Why. _He has the urge kiss her arm but settles for stroking the length of it gently, as if she might break. (_She's already broken._) He isn't sure why, but maybe it's because he loves all of her, even her imperfections, and desperately wants her to know it. But she can't know anything now, he'll never be able to tell her.

He thinks he could remember what happens after that if he tries really hard but he doesn't want to- because who wants to relive that? He knows he was dragged away screaming and kicking from her body as the M.E. took it and he knows he drank tea someone insisted he have but not much else.

And now he has to prepare for the funeral this morning. He snaps back to the present when Blair calls his name. He sees her share a knowing look with Chuck and it infuriates him. "what?!" he asks sharply. "Nate I've been calling you for five minutes."

His response is nasty, but they can't exactly blame him. They all know he loves her, well except Dan and Eric who refuse to admit it. (_loved _they try to tell him, but he doesn't listen. He still loves her.)

They've been at the viewing for an hour now and Nate's been beside the open casket the entire time. He can't not look at her every second of the time he has left because he can't stand knowing this is the last time he'll ever be able to look at her beautiful face. He cries during the last twenty minutes because that's when it really hits him. _You'll never be able to see her ever again. Not ever. _With her wrists faced down you can almost pretend she's sleeping. Almost see her chest rise and fall. But she can't breathe. _She's dead. Dead. Dead. Dead._ He can't believe it- can't accept it.

He only has five minutes left so he touches her hand and pretends it's not cold. "I'm so sorry, Jen, so sorry."

"I'm scared. I don't know how to live without you," he feels awkward, but needs to talk to her- needs her to know.

"You're so beautiful. You always were. Why did you go? I would've helped, I would've done anything for you. Because I loved you. I love you. I'm sorry it took this long for me to tell you- that it took this. I was scared. I'd never felt anything like it before and I ran from the feelings. God, I love you. And I can't stand knowing this is the last time I get to see you. Your face is my favorite thing to see-" at this point his voice shakes so badly he needs to take another pause "You're my favorite thing to see. You're my favorite everything, Jenny. When I met you it was like… it was like my heart sighed and that sigh…it radiated from the hole in my chest, from that place that had never seen light, from that place that had taken all of my joy and given me loneliness. And I couldn't help but think 'there you are. You don't know how long I've been waiting for you.'" He spent the rest of the time just looking. Taking in everything about her, memorizing all of her features. And he knows he'll never break the last promise he made her, he wouldn't be able to if he wanted, her final wish written on a piece of paper hidden where she knew he'd find it. _Don't forget me._


End file.
